“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” Will Rogers
I’m going to begin with a confession: although when formally coaching or mentoring others, I’m a pretty good listener, in my professional leadership role, it’s the thing I most need to work at to increase my effectiveness as a leader. The combination of my strong “J” on the Myers-Briggs personality inventory and my clinical training as an internist leads me to quickly “diagnose” and start working on solutions while the person I’m speaking with is presenting me with the issue at hand. And, although this means I’m very decisive, which can be an asset, this also leads to early closure and a diminished ability to not only consider all options, but to allow those I lead to feel that they are truly heard. Combine these natural instincts with the multiple distractions in my typical workday, the constant time pressure of deadlines, and the lure of the smartphone, and well…. listening often takes a backseat.
This past week, an article in the Harvard Business Review entitled, “The Power of Listening in Helping People Change,” by Guy Itzchakov and Avraham Kluger, discusses why listening is the key ingredient to helping give better feedback. The authors point to data on feedback effectiveness that demonstrates that 38% of the time, feedback can lead to a decline in performance. Why? It has to do with how the feedback is delivered. Given in a ‘top-down’ style, the person receiving feedback may feel threatened and defensive. Instead, the authors advocate an approach to giving feedback which is built upon questioning and listening. In their own work, when they trained managers to truly listen to their employees, they were stunned at the things they learned. For example, let’s say a manager is about to meet with an employee to confront them about poor attendance or missing deadlines. Using a questioning and listening approach, the manager learns that the employee is struggling with a close family member with a terminal illness. This requires a different solution and provides an opportunity to truly help and understand in a compassionate way.
This reminds me of a difficult situation I faced as a manager of physicians some years ago. One afternoon, a nurse stormed into my office and stated, “Do something about Dr X or I’m reporting him to HR!” Apparently, Dr X had been difficult of late – being confrontational and abrupt with office staff. That day, a verbal outburst directed at the office staff had been the tipping point. I scheduled a meeting that afternoon with the intention of addressing his disruptive behavior. During the conversation I learned that the physician was struggling with depression; this led to a plan for him to apologize to the office staff and get counseling for his issue, with positive results. He went on to become a positive force for change in our office and eventually arose to a health system leadership position. When I think back on this meeting and why it was so successful, I realize that it was because I used the questioning/listening style of giving feedback. I started off with, “I’m worried about you. Many of us have noticed a change in you. What’s going on?” This opened the floodgates and led to that positive outcome.
So, how do you become a better listener, not just for these crucial conversations but in your everyday work life? First, back away from the smartphone (or the computer, or the spreadsheet, or whatever other distractions are luring your attention away from the person in front of you)! If you can’t be free of distractions at that moment, make time for when you can be. Use ‘listener’ body language: be seated, learn forward slightly, and make and maintain eye contact. Most importantly… resist the urge to interrupt! It’s so tempting to try to fill up the silence by speaking. Instead…allow silence to happen. Try to reserve judgments and let go of your instincts to provide all the solutions, thus allowing others to identify solutions that you may not have considered.
So, I offer you this challenge: the next time you are meeting with an employee to give them feedback, begin with an open-ended question…” How are things going?” Then, open your ears and close your mouth. Lead by listening! You might be surprised what you learn.
