As we enter the last month of the year, and cold weather sets in here in the Midwest, signs of endings are everywhere. Many aspects of the natural world begin a period of senescence, with the most obvious example being the trees which drop their leaves, forming a colorful carpet. In suburban neighborhoods, many are busy at work readying their yards for the winter. Often, this activity will involve pruning. The process of pruning involves cutting off dead branches, creating a healthier plant which will produce more growth in the spring. A necessary task.
Endings are a natural part of life, and trimming away that which is no longer serving us is a necessary part to maintain growth and health. Why then, do we often resist endings so strongly?
A few years ago, I was discussing with a direct report the difficulties he was having with a faculty member in his department. After helping him to brainstorm several possibilities over the course of our regular meetings, I asked the question that needed to be asked—was it time to end the relationship? Would this faculty member be happier elsewhere, and would the department be better off without the drama?
Conversely, have you ever felt stuck in a professional role? Maybe it’s a poor cultural fit, maybe you have a toxic boss or coworkers. Perhaps you’ve outgrown the role and no longer find the work interesting or exhilarating. Some clues exist – the Sunday night “scaries” or that feeling of dread pulling into the parking lot or logging on to that first meeting on a Monday. A voice is telling you that an ending may be needed, but you are reluctant to listen. Why? Perhaps fear of the unknown. Maybe fear of confrontation. And of course, a reluctance to cause hurt or disappointment to someone else. Often, strong forces are also at work – inertia and momentum. It’s much easier to continue in our current role than to embark on a job search…and busy professional roles combined with busy lives outside of work can barely offer us time for reflection. Yet, ignoring this inner voice prohibits future growth experiences and will hold us back from our infinite possibilities.
The book, Necessary Endings: the Employees, Businesses, and Relationships that all of us have to give up in order to move forward, by Henry Cloud, helps us to think through this reluctance and can increase our comfort with endings. It is a brilliant book, and I recommend it highly. The author offers up many pearls. One that particularly resonated with me is the difference between hoping and wishing as a way to identify what is worth fixing and what should end. It is okay to hope that something will become better and to work towards that – but hope should be based on evidence, facts, and past performance, including a partnership with trustworthy people who are interested in real change. Without this, you are clinging to a mere wish, and things will be unlikely to improve. That is the essence of “stuckness.”
Many are familiar with the words from Ecclesiastes, (also popularized also in the Byrds song “Turn, Turn, Turn”):
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot… a time to tear down and a time to build…a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend…
What season are you in? Are you hanging onto something that no longer serves you? Are you trying to plant in a field where winter is clearly setting in? The good cannot begin until the bad ends. As we move through this season of endings, and with the season of renewal just ahead, I encourage you to take some time to reflect on what is serving you and make the necessary course changes. This is our passion at Great Road Leadership. Reach out if we can help.