Silencing your Inner Critic

Some years ago, I was participating in a mindfulness workshop. We were asked to focus on an object, and when our mind wandered from concentrating on the object, we were to take note, then bring our mind back to the object. As I practiced this activity, first in the workshop and then later at home, I was struck by how often my mind wandered–not surprising for a new student of mindfulness techniques. But after a while I began noticing a pattern to my stray thoughts – that many of them involved harsh self-critique. When focusing on an object on my desk, the voice was saying, “Why is your desk so cluttered? No wonder you’re behind on your projects.” This same pattern would repeat itself no matter the environment – at home, at work, or even looking in the mirror in the morning. “You’re not a spring chicken anymore Valerie, look at those wrinkles!” or…”You need to get more sleep—those bags under your eyes are really bad today!” This realization was startling to me. After learning how common this is, particularly for women, the following question occurred to me. Would any of us say these things to a dear friend? Absolutely not. Why, then, would we not extend such kindness and latitude with our own inner voices?
Recently, I read the book, “Playing Big,” by Tara Mohr, coach and founder of the Playing Big leadership program for women. In this book, she talks about how self-doubt and the inner critic serve to limit women’s ability to move forward to pursue their dreams for their careers and for other aspects of their lives. The author asserts that all women struggle with these voices of self-doubt, whether in their professional lives, with their competence as mothers or partners, or with body image or aging, and that the costs of the inner critic to society is enormous. The critical inner dialogue, if listened to, keeps women from acting boldly and making choices that would involve ‘playing bigger’ in the world.
Why does this inner critic exist? To a large extent, it is hard-wired, as a protective mechanism. It keeps us safe from risk – hurt, failure, rejection. Further, women see other women who do take risks being criticized as too aggressive, not likeable, or b*tchy, which reinforces the inner critic’s propensity to succeed in keeping us on the sidelines.
Can our inner critic be tamed? Yes… by noticing it, labeling it, and simply recognizing it as ‘that inner voice that is discouraging my growth—not me’ we can be released from its power. What is a sure sign that you are dealing with your inner critic? Binary, black and white thinking, tinged with “you aren’t ready yet,” or “you will never be smart enough to…. (write that book, go for that promotion, get a master’s degree).” Though you can’t necessarily stop your inner critic from expressing its opinion, you can gently say to it, “Thanks for looking out for me, but I am well-prepared for this (speaking engagement, job interview, open mike performance).”
I would love to work with you one-on-one to help to lighten the impact of your inner critic. Feel free to reach out to me at valerie@greatroadleadership.com.